Chick Flicks Ruined Everything…. The Female Psychosis

As soon as girls are talking and walking they are exposed to the fantasy world of being a princess. Dressing up in those puffy dresses calling the princes names from the Disney movies we watched three to four times a day. Every fairy tale ended with this amazing prince that knew she was in distress.  He was going to climb mountains day and night through blizzards from hell to save her.  His kiss was the magic that brought her back to life if she was poisoned or hexed with a wicked witches spell.  He was the end all be all for her happiness and survival.  This big strong man is going to make sure nobody hurts her and if they do, he will be there to protect her.

As the years go on, the Disney movies just evolve into chick flicks. The not so cute girl gets a makeover who becomes the center of attention and catches the eye of the hot sexy quarterback.  This gives the chubby, nerdy and bowl hair cut wearing not so cool girls this glimmer of hope that maybe there is a chance that the school quarterback might potentially show interest in them.  There is even chick flicks where the nerd gets the girl.  The hot girl whose tired of the asshole quarterback gets swept away by the awkward nerd because nice guys don’t always finish last.  They can get the head cheerleader too.

The high school chick flicks then turn into the college frat party chick flicks. You may have not met your quarterback in high school but it’s okay because in college, you’re going to meet the hot science lab partner who’s also the head of his fraternity whose going to sweep you off your feet.  If it’s not your lab partner, it’ll be sexy Med school older college boy that will take you away, put a ring on your finger and treat you like the princess you are.  Maybe it’ll be the captain of the rugby team but either way, the options there become endless.

When he doesn’t show his face in college, it’s okay, you’ll find him at work. It will unfold like your typical romantic comedy.  You might not notice your cute co-worker at first because you want to keep things at work professional but then all of a sudden you hit this holly shit moment where you realize that he is the love of your life.  If it isn’t your hot sexy co-worker who is secretly been in love with you since you started, it could be the sexy client counterpart you have to deal with on a regular basis.  This guy is going to show up and sweep you off your feet and will be six feet tall, gorgeous, chiseled, green eyes you instantly lose yourself in and dirty blonde luscious hair you can’t keep your fingers out of.  He looks like a guy you would pull right off the front cover of GQ.  That’s the guy that will show up while you’re at work one day bored out of your mind that changes the direction of your life forever.

If it doesn’t happen at work, it’s okay, he will show up in the romantic comedies we obsessively watch that include a wedding and a sexy single stud, friend of the groom that has been waiting his entire life to find you. You’re a bridesmaid, he’s an old friend and of course extremely successful.  He notices you at first while you walk down that isle, you look stunning of course.  He keeps his eyes on you the entire time, you glance back at the wedding crowd while you’re up at the isle and your eyes lock together.  You blush, he smiles and then wow, from then on its fireworks.  This tall, sexy man with an eighteen pack under that perfectly fitted suit showed up to this wedding to be your future husband so you can live happily ever after.

As the weddings go on and the co-workers turn over, for some reason, you still aren’t finding that man. That man that barged through the office doors to profess his love to you or the wedding ceremony where his eyes just screamed I love you instantly.  Every year you wonder why he has yet to bare his face.  Where is this successful, charming, gorgeous man that is supposed to throw you on his horse and ride into the sunset madly in love with you?  You keep going through years of movies and dating just to pass time until you meet this perfect match.  The one you choose to be with will be perfect for you in every way not like the guys that you keep around just for someone to fill a void or fulfill short term desires.  Until he comes, these guys will due but this clock keeps ticking and it seems like he is nowhere to be found.

All those movies you watched, you still watch but now just in annoyance. You polish off your bottle of wine and cuss at the characters when they kiss or when these men made grand gestures to show their undying love.  Sometimes you might forget that you aren’t part of the movie and just yell out random things like “He’s just going to leave you for something younger anyways!”  Maybe referring to what an ex did even though you knew you weren’t in love with him anyways so it’s probably a good thing he did leave you.

Us women, we are psychotically obsessed with the idea of finding “the one”. All of us are guilty of it whether we admit it or not.  We all have a mental check list and if they don’t fit in the mold of our check boxes then we just completely shut them out.  He has to have a good job, stable financial situation, a decent car, tall, handsome, great smile, gorgeous eyes, a million pack of abs, a symmetrical face because oh my god could you imagine if he had a lopsided nose, that is a deal breaker.  Our check list is actually infinite.  If we had a check list of fifty and then you meet one of your girlfriends new boyfriends who starts showing characteristics of things that of course she is bragging about that you never had on your list before, well then you must add it.

Bottom line, we are never satisfied. It’s almost like we just want to build a perfect human being in our head so we can satisfy our inner fantasy rather than actually looking at ourselves to see what we even need in our life.  All this ridiculousness that we have filled our heads with only leads us into a depression that we don’t even understand.  We get setup with a guy and he ends up being 5’7 not 6’1, now this date turned into “THE WORST DATE OF MY LIFE!”  We just mentally blocked him as a potential anything because he didn’t fit check box 3, “must be over 5’10”.  Then we throw ourselves a pity party, feeling sorry for ourselves because clearly we are going to be “ALONE FOREVER!!!”.

30 years old now and still reverting back to the childlike mind replaying Cinderella over and over again, thinking that this prince is real and he’s going to come save me. He’s out there, I just have to be patient and in the meantime, I will date casually because I refuse to settle for anything less.  Some of these guys we pass time with, at first we even act as if we are madly in love with them.  I’m not sure why we do this, maybe to satisfy our own psyche, tricking ourselves temporary into thinking we finally found him but knowing damn well in a couple weeks or a month he will be kicked to the curb so we can obsess with another “potential suitor”.

It’s very hard to be satisfied when we are sitting here with a list that is not only impossible to find but only existed in a movie where we have somehow forgotten someone wrote. It has a predetermined ending with set characters and lines.  If we had the chance to write out how we would want meeting someone to go, we would write it to be pretty damn perfect now wouldn’t we.  It would consist of a ten out of ten man with a fat bank account and a room he insist be built connected to the closet that is just for all of our shoes.  Why would we write anything else?  Imagine someone saying write your picture perfect story about meeting the man of your dreams.  We aren’t going to write out, “well he’s about 5’6, not fat but not in the greatest shape.  He’s a bit of a putts but it’s okay because he makes up for it with his slightly witty sense of humor.  He is awful in social settings but treats me well so who cares that people think he’s an awkward shmuck at my work events because their opinion is irrelevant.”

Imagine reading through Netflix movie summaries when trying to find something to watch and humor yourself with after a long and aggravating day at work. You aren’t going to click on:

“How Tina Settled For Tom”

“An inspirational movie about a women that falls madly in love with an awkward man who for the most part seems to be nothing special, a bit irritating, short and doesn’t really seem to fill the checkboxes. Most women wouldn’t look at him twice but Tina knows that deep down Tom is the man for her even with his thinning hair and his mediocre job. Despite what everyone thinks of her choice, Tom is the man of her dreams and the partner she’s always wanted in life”

Yeah, that seems like the exact type of movie us single 30 year olds die to watch at the end of the night. We can’t wait to watch a movie about our single life that is reflecting what some of us don’t want to acknowledge as the real characteristics of the person we may belong with.  Even if we are the female equivalent of Tom, we in no way will ever admit that Tom is actually us.  We, like Tom, might be short, not fat but could lose a couple pounds.  Even though we think we are hilarious, everyone else might think we are extremely annoying.  We also are awkward in social situations where our co-workers most likely want to shoot us when we’re at any social event with them and a couple glasses of wine in.

Even with all the proof based on our regular interactions in real life, we will still reach for the stars. We still believe that one of the sexy characters off “Suits” is going to bump into us at the local coffee shop, accidently spill coffee on our blouse and beg to make it up to us by taking us for supper in Paris. Meanwhile in reality, we’re a nail tech who puts in minimal effort at work and drinks beer like it’s water every day, who hasn’t seen a treadmill in years.  Yeah sure, we go to a local Zumba classes here and there when us and our friends hit a low point after drowning in a tub of ice cream on a Friday night.  Yet, we have the nerve to look at Mr. Tom as “does not meet required check boxes to satisfy the characteristics of Prince Charming from Cinderella”.  He doesn’t have a horse, checkbox fail.  He doesn’t have a castle, check box fail again.  He didn’t take me to a ball where he picked me out of the entire group of girls to dance the night away with, CHECK BOX FAIL!

Hollywood has created an infection in the female mind of what is a realistic expectation of men. We have a painted picture of this strong, resilient but gentle man who will fight for anything for you.  When he first sees you not only will he climb mountains to get to you again but he will try and find out where you go so he can see you again.  He’s obsessed with that smile he saw at the coffee shop and he will go back to that coffee shop every day hoping he might run into you again.  How romantic is that right?

Nothing is more romantic than a guy falling into complete infatuation after seeing us for the first time. We may have exchanged a couple words while we filled our coffee cup with cream but he just knew that there was something so special about me that he just had to pursue until he found me again. The most amazing romantic comedy ever to be written.

“How Sam Stalked Sally”

“A regular day at the coffee shop turned Sally’s life into complete panic when a borderline psychopath becomes infatuated with her. Sally’s innocent smile and few words to Sam has made Sam believe that this women is sent by God as his soul mate.  Sam began to follow Sally’s footsteps, obsessed with finding out her every day behavior, likes and dislikes.  He also began to send roses to her work in the thousands.  Sally was forced to hideout with family and friends until the Police can put a stop to Sam’s harassment.”

This is what we watch on a regular basis thinking that real love happens like that. “Love at first sight” is absolutely not normal but yet we think when we see our “soul mate”, we will just know.  Hollywood is the only place that can make a stalker look like a hopeless romantic.  Also, their stalker is absolutely gorgeous so his behavior is perceived to be romantic gestures.  Swap him out with Tom from “How Tine Settled For Tom” and the movie would revert back to “How Sam Stalked Sally”.

How many of us have been out with our friends and had men approach us way to aggressively? Telling us how amazing we are within a five minute conversation or persistently asking for our number, begging to take us out.  In real life, we don’t give those guys the time of day.  After a night like that, meeting all these “creepy” guys, we bitch and complain when we get home about how there are no guys out there.  While stuff our face with pizza at two am, we throw ourselves a pity part about how “I WILL BE SINGLE FOREVER!”  If a guy shows too much interest we hate him.  If a guy shows not enough interest, we hate him.  If we have to approach a guy, then he isn’t man enough.  We are a constant contradiction and a ball of confusion to the simple minded male species we want to capture us.

The male species is a very simple being.  They aren’t warriors, they are overgrown children who actually need you more than you need them.  Hollywood then introduced to us in the form of romantic comedies a hybrid man.  This has confused females into believing that men have the ability to be assertive, pay attention to all of our needs and are these savor type personalities that will allow us to be one hundred percent vulnerable with them leading.  These hybrids that contain all the exterior, physical and dominate genes also have the gentle, intuitive, emotionally aware and sensitive to our needs genes.  Now, we are so disappointed with so many men we meet because we have this superhero in our mind that we must find that doesn’t exist.

Men now a days want to think that we are the “insane” ones because our perception of how they are supposed to behave has been completely skewed to us from the first Disney movie we watched. Don’t be mad at us because we are now unrealistic and “crazy”.  Be mad at the first Disney movie that made us think those types of men existed in real life.  Why settle for “Tom” when Richard Gere off “Pretty Women” exists.  This millionaire business man that is going to save me from my 9-5 job that I absolutely hate.  Those types of men in our minds are now real and like Sam the stalker, we will stop at no end to find them.

 

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